presentjoy.ca

i want to put aside the law of attraction and any motivational shtuff for a moment. okay.

the ideas coming out of western adoption of “yogic hinduism”, buddhism, i ching, well, they’re very interesting and creative, current, timely and perhaps more palatable versions of the deep wellspring that is ancient wisdom.

i’m new at this, but i’ve been doing it for thousands of years. i’m a ‘budding buddhist’; i am only beginning to realize the extent of my suffering; i am only beginning to tease out the illusions and attachments i have suffered under

so, i’m riding the wave of life as a fledgling. i’m stumbling, withdrawing, protesting, posturing, and striving my way to some sort of greater awareness. yoga has helped me. judaism has helped me. buddhism has helped me. so have yoga teacher training, psychotherapy, anthropology graduate school, my lovers, my failures, and everything in between.

i graduated as a certified kripalu yoga teacher in august 2008. it was an incredible experience, and it showed me pieces of myself i had thought disappeared. my lover, who had ended things a short time before my training, saw me in this new state and in a way realized that i was deeper and stronger than i’d seemed. he opened, as i began to open.

pain

like many souls - if not all souls - on the journey, my heart has known great pain. i think it’s because of this pain that i’ve grown a compassionate heart. my challenges are mental and physical. sometimes i feel as though i am the finest seismograph to the emotional landscape.

i spent a lot of years closed off — or trying to close off — the intensity of emotion that i experience. looking into people’s eyes sometimes hurts. physical proximity stirs up a lot, and i draw back. the presence of my own self has been too much to bear, at times. “i” needed to disappear. depression and anxiety have been almost lifelong.

opening

the world has been opening, as i have been opening. it seems, actually, that these two things are not different, because i-being is not separate from world-being. there is no “out there” that isn’t a reflection of what is “in here”.

that is what i am learning from my current journey. as i open my heart, physically through yoga, emotionally through yoga, and even more through teaching yoga, i am becoming more connected with my suffering. i learned about witness consciousness, which is a way to observe the self, non-judgmentally. bring kind to myself has meant that i am doing less of that closing off. being kind to myself has made it possible for me to learn how to ask and receive kindness from others.

witnessing the ways i am being in the world has opened up realms of possibility. i see things i have to offer people, and i have opened enough to share some of them.

teaching yoga is one of those things. i was so afraid, i had no idea why anyone would want *me* to teach them yoga! however i have received such blessings from teaching. i continue to find a world open to me, as i open to myself.

attraction

what about attraction, then? i am sensing that i am not attracting things too me, as if they were being manifested by me — they were always already there.

so opening is a process of discovery. a treasure hunt!

in JOY,
namaste